Insecurities...

How could she say that about me?
I have been good to her right?
How can he call me that?
Why don't people realise that I am a good guy?
Why do i have to lose?
Why am I being ignored?
This is not fair!
Why am I so onconsequential in his/her scheme of things? Dont people realize I have feelings too?
Questions aplenty. And one answer that I come up with is "I don't care" Yes. Apathy. Is it a solution?NO, its an answer, a retort. a reply, a mild comeback, a mask, a cover for my insecurities.
I mean, do I really not care? well then why do i take care not to hurt people? Why do I help that girl with her course? Why do I not call people names and tell them what I genuinely think of them? Am I insensitive?
I am insecure.
There are lots of I's. Many I's are reading this post. Many I's writing something. Many I's disagreeing. Many more discovering.
Well, honestly, What am i hiding?
That I care to be befriended, I care to be loved, I care to love, I care to be considered, I care....
Yes an incomplete sentence. Left incomplete not because of ignorance but apathy. Not because of apathy but fear. A fear of rejection.
"I do not care about what he feels...but then....
"i do not want to know if I hurt you...but...
"Why am I supposed to apologize......or...
See more incomplete sentences. More helpless thoughts. More open ended questions. More apathy, fear and rejection

There is no end to it. It is a cycle. Before I say that I am insensitive to everything let me rally find out
I couldn't care less for courtesy, then why am I happy when some one thanks me?
I do not like people who cry, then why do I console them
I do not care if you like me or not, then why do I feel hurt when you ignore me?

Contradictions. Contradictions that complete the sentences. Incompletion now filled with contradictions. Inherent.Insecurity.

I am not depressed, I am not sad, I am not happy, I do not believe in love.
Complete sentences, filled this time with prevarication.
If i do not believe in love, then why am I always searching for an ever allusive perfection that I keep claiming I do not care about.
If I am I not happy or sad, then why am I not indifferent?

I am not confused. Confusion. This time a word filled with contradictions.

ANIL, this one a person filled with contradictions.
Let me end this post

I do not speak for fear of being unheard
I do not show for fear of being looked through
I do not hear for fear of the unpleasant
I do not love for fear of rejection
I am not happy for fear of the sorrow in store
I do not hope for fear of being shattered
I survive in the fear of death
I exist..subsist
Am I happy?
Am I sad?
Am I alive
Am I in love
Am I loved?

This time the answer is different
I do not know but i care
Ignorance. Empathy...